The Healing Journey

It's a very long time since I wrote in this blog, and as I re-discovered it tonight and scrolled back through the entries, it's obvious how much grief has featured in my life over the past 10 years particularly.

As I look back over my life, grief entered when I was 5 1/2 and I lost my grandmother.  I lost the woman who was like a grandmother to me when I was 14. My dad died unexpectedly when I was 27 and I lost a baby when I was 34.

I felt like hope died in my life on 30 June 2011 when my friend's 7 year old daughter went to live with Jesus, because her death was not just the loss of a beautiful little girl, it was the loss of what should have been; the loss of my hope that God would heal her.  I had been totally convinced she would be healed on earth, but it was not to be.

Less than twelve months later, my friend Jane drowned.  Then I lost my mother-in-law in April 2014 and my father-in-law in April 2016, both of whom I was close to.  Lastly, my friend Maree lost her battle with cancer in June 2016.  I've written blog posts about each of these people.

I had been stuffing the grief down deep inside so I didn't have to deal with it, because it just hurt too much.  I would distract myself with facebook, television, chocolate... anything to not have to process my emotions.  But when emotions are continually stuffed down inside, only two things happen - either you eventually explode (which I did), or your body absorbs it and you get sick (or sometimes you do both).

Late last year I realised I couldn't keep going the way I was.  I've lived with anxiety for the last 7 years and it had come to the stage where my heart was racing, I couldn't sleep, I had absolutely no tolerance for anyone or anything, and very little joy in my life.

My GP referred me to a mental health nurse, and I've also been seeing a psychologist.  I'm working through lots of issues, including processing my grief and learning how to deal with anxiety.

So why am I sharing this?  Because most people wouldn't have a clue what's going on in my life.  They may wonder why I'm often so cranky.  Maybe they put it down to menopause, having teens or dealing with a parent with dementia.  But mental ill health is no respecter of persons and it needs to be spoken about more freely.

There seems to be much more of a willingness to discuss anxiety in younger people than there is in older people.  But anxiety can strike at any age.  I never imagined I would be one of its targets.  But I am.  You can be a Christian and have anxiety.  You can be a Christian and be depressed.  The difference is that I know Jesus can and will walk me through this healing journey.

My mental health nurse has put me onto a great online resource called "Therapy in a Nutshell".  Emma has stacks of free videos which provide helpful ways of coping with anxiety and other issues.

If this has stirred up issues with you, please seek help.  There are plenty of resources out there.  Go and speak to your doctor.  Don't be ashamed of having to ask for help.  You aren't weak - it takes courage to admit you need help.  Don't stop until you find the right person.  Ask God to help you.

I've found that hope wasn't actually dead - it was just comatose for a while.  If this resonates with you, the thing that is bringing hope back into my life is the Word of God.  Reading the Bible and journalling is restoring my hope.  

There are no quick fixes to anything in life.  I'd like to be able to snap my fingers and be rid of anxiety.  I'd like to not have to do the work I'm doing currently to heal.  But I know God is with me throughout all of this, and he won't let me walk this journey alone.